I Am Like A Trivial Pursuits Piece

So I was working on post about my favourite pair of boots the other week (intriguing huh!?) but I decided to put it to one side and to write about something more serious. Because however well I adapt to life as someone with MS – the challenges it brings and those all important silver linings – it does have a massive impact on those around me. Though I may be positive 99.99% of the time there are days when of course my well being is affected.

I was referred to see a Cousellor through work, not entirely sure that I needed to see one. For me Counsellors helped people who suffered with depression and anxiety like my husband, people who are struggling to cope with their lives. I felt that actually, I was pretty okay with things – I knew what was wrong with me (at last!), I was feeling better week by week and I was going back to work. But the service was offered to me as a support mechanism so I thought why not embrace the opportunity.

Over a period of around three and a half months I saw a Counsellor 6 times. They specialised in amongst other things, people with chronic conditions. By the end of the first session it was clear to me that I did need Counselling, someone who I could speak openly with who didn’t know me. Because while I wasn’t really worrying about myself I was constantly worrying about the impact my MS was having on other people, I was worrying about them worrying about me! My big relapse in April didn’t happen at a great time for my husband who sadly was going through his second severe bout of depression within a year (which thankfully is now under control following his diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder) so I wouldn’t necessarily tell him when I was scared or when my feet were driving me potty. I knew family members would be upset and concerned but even now I’m taken aback by how upset so many other people were by my diagnosis and continue to be – of course it’s flattering to have people care that much and I really appreciate it. Old friends and colleagues will read a post which I try to approach with humour but they are upset when they read it and I don’t mean for them to be.

The other thing I didn’t think I had a problem with was stress – I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty chilled out person. Then I rolled up to a session, apologising for being a bit out of sorts but I was feeling rough because my balance was off and my right eye was blurring. By the end of the session we knew that if I got too frustrated or anxious the dizziness and vision problems from my early relapses returned. Looking back I could see it, whether in work or at home. I learnt a breathing technique (which I’m still not very good at!) to calm me down and I can’t remember the last time I got dizzy like that – I just take a 2 minute time out to stop and breath.

Over the sessions I learnt that I can’t hide things from people and that I can never completely protect them from my MS. I felt guilty that I was the cause of people wanting to meditate for me or buy me gifts. I felt guilty that I had to ask my husband to do things for me that I wouldn’t have needed to before. Essentially I felt guilty for the effect my MS was having on people. But of course – and it took me a while to recognise it – it isn’t my fault. The people who care about me will worry and sometimes be upset by what they read or what I tell them because it’s human nature. I have to accept this just like I accepted that I had MS.

The final thing that the Counselling did was reassure me, so when I did have ‘moments’ like at the Reading Festival when little miss positive became frustrated at being ‘different’ I knew it was okay to feel that way. It was also reassuring to know that it was okay for me to be okay with having MS. Not happy about it obviously, but accepting that MS is part of who I am now. The important thing for me to remember is that it is just that – a part. I am like a trivial pursuits piece and my MS is just one segment of my life. Sometimes, it gets to have 2 segments, but I’m not to let it take over. It should never be more that 2 parts because there has to be so much more to me and my life. By accepting and adapting and letting people help me MS doesn’t get all 6 pieces and win the game. I’ve ‘bagsied’ the blue piece, which colour do you want?

Image used courtesy of Christian Heldt